Friday Follies - Summit Strange is Going On

The biggest news story on the planet this week is the summit with Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un.  Or otherwise known as 'Dumb and Dumber'.  The fact that a) this has actually happened and b) these two are actual leaders is one of those mysteries that will never be solved in our lifetime.

I've put together some things that happened in their secret meeting, the things that haven't been revealed to the world at this time.  And may never be.  But you heard it here first.

1.  "Look, we've written secret notes in class because we're new best friends".

He likes me, he really likes me!

2.  "I love what you've done with your hair!  Tell me who styles you!"

3.  "Yeah, I know, I  met with the wrong Kim in the Whitehouse the other week.  The good news is - we made a deal too!"

"Whoops, so this isn't the leader of North Korea??"

4.  "That's two for two.  Now, I need to make a deal with Kim Basinger and Kim Cattrell."

Only if your name is Kim.

5.  "I think this new TV show is a great idea.  We just need to change the phrase 'You're fired! to "You're tortured!'."

6.  "Don't you just love being on the front pages of all the newspapers around the world?  In two months, let's insult each other again and then have another make-up meeting.  Maybe somewhere a bit less humid though....my hair, you know."

"Yoohoo, Trumpy.  It's time to be in the news again."

7.  "Oh, no, I think you misunderstood.  I said 'Give up your nukes', not 'Give up your cukes'.  I have enough of my own cucumbers, thanks."

8.  "Ha, they think we are working out a deal, but the truth is that I'm kicking your ass at Pictionary."

"I win."

9.  "Did you see what I said about Trudeau?  I thought you'd like that."

Um, he's the Prime Minister, not the President...



10.  "I've only ever played Hangman on paper, but I like how you've incorporated it into your regime."

"Settle down, we don't want everyone to know my tricks."

I guess we'll just have to keep our eyes open to find out what really happened at that meeting!

Nice Work if You Can Get It

If your pet had a job (like a human job, not their normal job of eating all of your food and shedding on your furniture), what would it be?

I saw this recently on an animal rescue facebook page.  Hmmmm, what jobs would my pets have?

It's an interesting question, and one I pondered over.  I took into account their individual talents and characters as well as their daily behaviours.

The easiest one was Purrkins - I had him figured out faster than Trump can insult half the nations of the world and faster than a Kardashian can take a selfie.

I told you, carry a piece of paper!

Public Service would be exactly the sector that Purrkins would aspire too.  He tries to give the impression that he does a lot of things during the day, but he's really quite lazy and enjoys a nap.  Many naps.  His modus operandi would be to walk around with a piece of paper in his hand so that everyone had the impression that he was busy (but of course he has no opposable thumbs to hold paper, so he just walks back and forth between rooms, announcing his presence).  He would fight to the death to maintain his right to have a pay increase every year, confident in the knowledge that his job is safe and he's a lifer.

Now Clawde, my dear Clawde, would be on the opposite end of the spectrum.  Social work would be his calling, looking for opportunities to greet others, make them feel comfortable and loved, and look out for their welfare.  Face kisses for dogs, dead rodent gifts for his owners, grooming sessions for other cats - he would be in his element.  He is a sensitive soul though, and it may all be a bit too much for him.  Perhaps a Walmart greeter (after all, he doesn't wear pants so he'll fit right in) is more suitable?  If none of those careers appeal, he may be qualified to be a superhero.  He has survived more venomous snake bites than any pet I know.

Are those pants?

And then we have Miss Chamois.  It took me awhile, but I think that the best position for her would be Headmistress at an exclusive boarding school.  I know, it sounds a bit off the wall, but stick with me.  Chamois has very definite ideas of how things should be and how others should act.  She is not against using her size to bully another into behaving, and she is very bossy.  If she isn't the centre of attention, she'll make sure that she takes measures to put herself back into the spotlight.  Her age and arthritis are making her more matronly by the year.  However, as all good disciplinarians do, she seasons her bluntness with a large pinch of affection and a liberal sprinkling of humour.  And as anyone who has ever watched a TV show or movie knows, Headmistresses are never beautiful, but always 'interesting' looking.  Chamois is definitely 'interesting' looking.

"Detention for you!"

Manu....poor Manu - gorgeous and sweet, but not very bright.  Model? No. Accountant?  I don't think so.  Perhaps a food critic?  Not with his faecal tastes.  Ah, I have it....an inspector.  Manu loves to sniff and check out everything from a coat hanger to your socks to whatever you're bringing home from the store.  He'll sniff everything from the remote to your breath - he must check everything out.  I think he would make a fine inspector - he's nothing if not thorough.

The chickens are easy.  Harvey  Henbanger is a Sultan and the hens are his harem.  Sesame is First Wife, without a doubt.

I cannot write this without mentioning my parents' cat, Archie.  If you read my previous blog about this crazy kitten, you'll know what a naughty cat he is.  Archie can only have one job - he'd be in demolition.  So far he has all of his digits, but he'd be one of those wild-eyed crazy guys that likes blowing things up a little bit too much.  Eventually he'd lose a foot or an eye.

Oh, Archie!

I wish all of these lazy fur-butts would get jobs so that they could support me for a change.  I'm sick of working for them.  At least Clawde is grateful.

They all have this exceptional skill.

Friday Follies - Now, What Was His Name?

I'll put my hand up, I'm happy to admit it.  I've got memory problems.

Sometimes I can't remember an event from childhood....fair enough, I think.  That's getting to be quite a long time ago.  I know that the memories are still there, hidden away in a little room in my brain with the door shut.  They can be retrieved though, and with a bit of prompting the door will open and the memory will peak out, exclaiming 'Here I am!  I'm still here!'  That's always a relief, let me tell you.  I bask in the memory, savour the remembered sights, sounds and feelings until it drifts quietly away, back behind the closed door, in hiding until I can tease it out again.

I really, really hope so.

Sometimes I can't remember recent things or even current events, such as 'Why on earth did I walk into this room?'  Once I walk out and get distracted with some other task, it all comes back to me (although to be honest, sometimes I get a repeat as I go back into the room after my 'A-HA' moment, only to discover an 'On No' moment, as I am once again baffled as to why I am standing there.).

I'm not too worried, I know that it's a natural part of aging, that my hormonal changes play a part in it, and possibly some damage done to my neurons in my youth.  I accept it, I embrace it as normal and I live with it.

I know that if a name of something eludes me, I just get on with things and the name will pop into my head at a later time.   Sometimes quite quickly, sometimes not.  But I almost always get there, so I'm not too worried....yet.

I also know that I have good and bad days.  Some days are shocking.  Not only can't I remember things, I can't seem to cope with daily tasks, such as turning the kettle on after I fill it with water, or putting the milk into the fridge - instead of the pantry.  I'm sure it's just a funny little form of enrichment that my brain is playing on me...'What will we find in the cupboard today?'.

Yup, that's me.

Sticky notes, reminders on my emails and alerts on my phone are very helpful, and I use them with great abandon.

But the thing that puts my mind at ease more than anything else is knowing that I'm not alone.

You should hear me and my co-workers, our conversations would be impossible to follow to anyone outside of our (age) group.  They go a little something like this...

'So, I watched a great movie on the weekend.'

'Oh yeah?  Who was in it?'

'That guy...you know...the guy...the one...oh, I can't remember his name.  Blonde?  Short?  He was in that TV show.'

'What TV show?'

'You know...that show...the one where they work in that office.  I can't remember what they did, but it had that lady in it.  You know...the one with the dark hair?  She's been in some movies too.'

'Hmmmm, not sure who you mean.  What was the movie about?'

'Well, they were going to some country...there was this bad guy...you know...the old guy actor?  He always plays a bad guy?  Really good - he's been in lots of movies.'

'Oh! I know what movie you mean.  We saw it the other week.  Can't remember what it was called though.  I think the title had one or two words in it.'

'Yes!  That's the one...you know...THAT actor.'

'Yup, can't remember his name.  Last name starts with a P?  I can't remember his name, but I know he was dating Angelina Jolie for awhile, and was divorced twice.  His mother is famous too.'

And that's how it is.  Pathetic isn't it?  Someone will Google and find out all of the relevant names and information, and there will be a collective 'ahhhhh!' that goes through the office. 

Thank goodness for Google.

We all were talking about the same thing, and that's the sad bit - that we all understand each other.  Does failing memory move between people by osmosis, or does it sync like women's monthly visits?  I'm not sure, but it sure seems to be contagious.

This could be our office.

Wine Not?

Believe it or not, they are now making wine for cats and dogs.  I know...crazy or brilliant??  I think it was invented more for the humans - you're not drinking alone if you are pets are joining in, are you?

The Pinot Meow and CharDOGnay apparently have a similar effect on our pets as wine has on us - they become more relaxed and a bit goofy.  The cat wine uses catnip to this effect - have a look at this video to see some of the side effects.  I'll admit it, I'm a bit intrigued to see if it would work on Clawde and Purrkins.  They are not interested in catnip at all, unlike my previous cats who went crazy for it, but still, I'd like to give a try.

Slurp, slurp, slurp

I can imagine sitting down after a long day at work, enjoying a nice glass of wine while my loyal pets sit next to me, slurping down their beverages.  No actually, I can't imagine that, but there must be a market for it.  Probably the same market that buys fancy beds and outfits for their pets.  My dogs like to lie in dirt holes and roll in poop.....I don't think they are sophisticated enough to enjoy a special drop and my cats are no more up-market than the dogs.

Clawde and Purrkins

This brought me to my next vision that I had in that I had in that middle state between wakefulness and sleep.  You know, the time when weird thoughts invade you brain and become elusive as the morning approaches.

So...what would it be like if my pets enjoyed a glass or two of their special wine?


One too many?

Clawde would be like the high school girl drunk on a gallon of cheap, sweet wine I think.  His love for everyone would increase with the amount he drank.

"Hey, dude, how's it going?" Purrkins approaches Clawde as he sits at the bar, casually slouched into the stool, his fur slightly dishevelled.  And yes, Purrkins would be the type of cat to say 'dude'.

"Pretty good thanks.  Pull up a seat.  Bartender - one for my fine friend here, please" (Clawde would definitely say 'please').  As Purrkins settles his furry derriere into the chair with a flick of his tail, the bartender pours a glass for him and tops up Clawde's wine.

Clawde puts a paw around Purrkins, looking into his eyes. "I've been meaning to tell you something.  I love you man.  No, don't shake your head.  I really, really love you."  Tears well up in his eyes.

With that statement, Purrkins handles the outpouring of affection in the way that he always does, by promptly body tackling Clawde to the ground while biting his neck. 

Yup, that's how it would happen.  I always knew that Purrkins wouldn't be able to handle his alcohol.

Manu would be much the same as Clawde.  Full of love and affection for everyone.  I would hope that it would also calm his nerves a bit and make him more chilled out.  But let's face it, he'd be a mess - drool slipping out of his mouth, and his doodle making an unwelcome appearance.

 

I have tried, but I can't even imagine what Chamois would be like with some wine under her skin.   Crazy, bitchy, mellow....or a combination of all three?  She gets pretty dreamy when she is given one of her 'happy' pills for thunderstorms - the equivalent of our Xanax - so hopefully she would be the same way on wine.  But who knows - she may be a crier.  Or...gasp!....a slut!

Definitely one too many....

So would I purchase some of these drinks for my pets?  Probably not.

It's too risky.  What if they all turn out to be angry drunks and they end up killing me and eating my face?

Friday Follies - Toilet Humour

What?

I don't know about you, but one of the fascinating things when you travel is the toilets.  As a child, it seemed like whenever we went away, my brother had to check out every single toilet.

I'm not that bad, but the more you travel, the more you realise that there are as many different types of toilets as hairs on your head (with the exception of the follicularly challenged, of course).

Whether you call it the toilet, the restroom, the washroom, the dunny, the loo, the sh**tter, the outhouse, the bogger, the crapper, the WC, the john, the latrine or the lavatory, seeing a man about a horse (where on earth did that one come from??) is a necessity of life. Doing so overseas (as you inevitably will have to) will cause everything from fits of giggles to gasps of horror.



Airport toilets are normally great - cleaned often and a lot of them have the motion sensor flush, that flushes as soon as you move or stand up (okay, that can cause a bit of a shock as you drift off in your jet-lagged, fugue state).  Some have pictorial directions about how to use the toilet - ie do not stand and squat.  Thanks, that hadn't actually crossed my mind.

No!

And no!

Toilets in Asia and some parts of Europe can be a challenge.  Their preferred method involves squatting over a hole (with helpful 'footprints' so that you know where to place yourself).  Not only that, many don't have toilet paper, but instead have either a shower-head type arrangement on a hose or a bucket with water and a ladle.  For those of us that are squat-challenged or have issues with doing your business 'au naturel' in the woods, these facilities can provide a challenge of the highest level.   In these situations - either travelling where there is no 'traditional' (traditional in the 'how I've lived my life' sense) toilet or where you have to use the bush toilet, I have a tendency to limit my fluid intake to limit my fluid output.  Not the healthiest option, but it works for me. 

Do you want a shower with that?

I happen to know from the constant rapturous ravings of a relative, that the Japanese toilets are the best thing since sliced bread.  I have yet to experience them, but apparently they play music if you have a shy bladder, play louder music if you have a larger 'job', wash, dry, perfume....they may even wash windows, I don't know.  I am a bit fascinated though, and hope one day to travel there and find out what all the fuss is about.

Oh, the choices!

On our recent holiday to Central America, we were told before hand that flushing toilet paper is not done, and the used paper is deposited in a bin beside the toilet (and emptied every day fortunately).  This has something to do with the size of the pipes used in the plumbing in most places and the septic systems inability to handle the extra load.  A lot of newer places do not have this issue, but we ran into it more often than not.  While confronting at first - if only because you had to make such a conscious effort to not drop the paper into the toilet - it was no big deal, and didn't smell, attract bugs, or any of the other things that immediately fill your head with horror when you hear about it.

Exclamation Point!

Some places that we stayed were equipped with a bidet - or a bum-washer to be more graphic.  Bidets are not something that you come across normally in our culture - it was a bit of a novelty.  However, we faced it with the adventure of travel and trying new things, and promised ourselves that we would give it a red-hot go and see what the fuss was about.

Red-hot go turned out to be exactly what my ever-suffering husband gave it, and I think he still has the scars to prove it.

My first use of the afore-mentioned bidet was approached with caution and respect.  This was a proper, separate bidet, with taps for hot and cold and a tap for the 'fountain' that did the necessary work.  I don't think fountain is the right word, but as we stood around it at first and tried all the taps just to see what it was about, that's what it looked like.

Welll, that's another use.

It turned out that caution was the correct path to take, and I found the whole experience to be hygienic and easy to use.  Of course, most of my clothing was removed for my first foray into this new territory, just in case..... things can go wrong, you know.  Thinking I had conquered a new skill, I announced to hubby that he should give it a go, in the true Aussie fashion.

Hmmm, I forgot who I was talking to.  While I was sitting out on the back balcony of our gorgeous room with volcano views, an almighty scream and shouted expletive assaulted my ears.  'He's slipped in the shower', I thought as I threw my book to the ground and raced inside.

The actual bidet.

I was greeted with the site of my all-or-nothing husband standing in front of the bidet, looking at it with a mix of consternation, fear and pain on his face.  As with all things, he has jumped in with both feet (not literally - we knew enough to know that it was not a foot bath) and not exercised the caution that should be exercised when attempting a new skill or activity.  The hot water and the 'fountain' taps were turned on to full in his quest for cleanliness.

Whoops!

You didn't, did you?

I'm not sure if the scars have healed yet, but he definitely got more than he bargained for. 

While he often knows no middle-ground, he does learn from his mistakes and did learn to turn taps on gradually and discovered that it did not need to be a scalding and invasive procedure.

So when you travel, enjoy all of the different foods, customs and cultures, and always keep an eye out for the facilities - there is sure to be something that makes you have a giggle.