Friday Follies - The 80's. What Were We Thinking?

Before I start, I've been informed by my ever-suffering husband that I need to apologise.  Apparently my last blog post had a bit at the end that was dancing into journey territory.  Insidious, sneaky little things, these journeys.  I humbly apologise, but can't promise that it won't happen again.  I'm human, not a cat (sadly), and do fall prey to a little introspection once in awhile.

Nothing says 80's like big hair,
polka dots and a balloon skirt

Now on to better things. I saw one of those 'news' articles pop up on a website this week.  I'm not sure it's news, but big, curly hair is back!  Woohoo!!  My hair has lost a bit of curl due to the wisdom highlights that have taken over my mane, but I can still wield a can of hairspray.  There is nothing quite as great as the confidence you gain from a massive head of curly hair, solid in its stance and sturdy enough to withstand a tornado (and yes, we certainly did get those in Edmonton).

Of course, a massive head of hair wasn't the only legacy of the 80's.  There were the shoulder pads that could take an eye out, neon workout gear, including headbands and leg warmers. 

Women weren't the only victims of this outrageous fashion - I remember a lot of guys sporting a fine mullet - or hockey hair if you speak Canadian.  Sometimes it was hard to tell the males from the females.

The shoulder pads could never be big enough, just look back at any Dynasty or Dallas episode, and you'll see what I mean.  Angora sweaters (which of course now I would sign petitions and share Facebook posts to ensure this was banned), sweaters with glitter (and the obligatory huge shoulders), acid wash denim, double denim.....and the dreaded skin tight jeans.  Oh, the horror!  Remember Jordache, Fancyass, Sassoon, Guess, Vanderbilt and of course Levis.

Today's young fashionistas have no idea how good they have it.  Today's skin tight jeans are made of lovely, flexible and stretchy fabric.  We were built tough.  We knew what being a slave to fashion was all about.  Our skin tight jeans were torture.  When you sat down, you felt like you were being cut in two from your lady bits all the way up.  That is if you could even sit.  I remember looking around the room and the girls would have to sit in a sort of diagonal slouch as they didn't bend at the hip any more.  They were the really cool girls.

When you went shopping, you had to buy jeans that appeared to be painted on, and then take them in even more along the in-seams when you got home.  I am possibly the worst sewer in the world (my buttons have a lifetime of 2 wearings and involve a visible tangle of thread), but I still got out the old sewing machine and took those suckers in. 

As there was no stretch in the 80's denim, doing up the buttons and zipper took strength of Arnie proportions.  A big suck in of the gut and the button would just do up.  Then it was time for the zipper. 

Step 1 - Get a fork or wire coat hanger (just a tip - a fork is sturdier and won't let you down).

Step 2 - Lie down on the bed while trying to suck the front of your belly in to touch your spinal column, while simultaneously willing your hip bones to squish towards each other.

Step 3 - Insert the fork/coat hanger into the zipper.

Step 4 - Pull up towards your head with a firm and determined pressure.

Step 5 - (If you made it this far) Breathe!  Ah, the sweet, sweet joy of getting those suckers done up.  Quite an achievement and you are quite pleased with yourself.  But wait - you aren't done yet.  You have to get up.

Fortunately no one is usually watching this step as you wriggle and squirm and eventually become bipedal.  Yes!! (air punch).  There is a slight down-side - you can't use the amenities all day, although friends were always available to lend a hand.  I do remember that some girls actually carried forks in their handbags.  They were the resourceful mothers of the future.  We should have given them more credit at the time.

All was good until you sat in class and felt this sudden release as all of your internal organs fell into their rightful places.  Oh shit.  Zipper Blow Out.  Time to seek out those resourceful girls - they usually had some spare safety pins.

Todays clothing is much more comfortable, although I have spotted some high-wasted, skin tight jeans on some teenagers lately.  Not a shoulder pad in sight though - and let's keep it that way.

College Graduation on a Cruise with competing
hair and shoulder pads.  I would have put effort
into that.