I'd Like to File A Complaint Please.

"I'd like to file a complaint please."

 

If my pets could speak English, I'm pretty sure that this statement would cross their cute little lips several times a day.  This is not a judgement on my pet-parent abilities, it's perhaps just a gentle nudge to let me know that there may be room for improvement.

My pets are spoiled, there is no arguing with that.  Not spoiled in the way that they are allowed to be overweight and unhealthy, or that they have complete run of the house (okay, this may apply to the cats...but we all know that they have their own set of rules), but just that they are treated with a lot of love and attention, and I like to keep them happy. My husband wishes he was my pet....

If I had to analyse it, I think the top complaints to Management would look like the list below.

1.  You are much too slow with my food. 

This complaint comes mostly from the cats, who run back and forth vocalising to get my attention, but it could just as easily apply to the dogs.  Even if they have been fed, those little brats will approach the pet owner that didn't feed them and start carrying on about how they are STARVING and how no one has fed them.  They are liars and not to be believed.  I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but we have been tricked more than once into feeding them a second breakfast or dinner, and I fear that we will fall victim to their wicked ways a few more times.

2.  Why do you not get up from the lounge to let me out the minute I even decide to think about going outside? 

This is the cats, obviously.  I don't think the dogs think that far ahead.  Clawde is known for going in and out and in and out and in and out, and that's just in the space of half an hour.  If you do not bend to his will, he starts jumping up on stereo speakers and then pretending that he is going to jump up on the big TV. That works - we get up and swear at him, but he gets his way.  I suppose we'll have to do better in the future.

3.  Why do you not wake up at 2 am to let me back in/out?

Not Clawde, because he does this at 3 am and I'm too asleep to grab my phone.

Again, mostly Clawde.  If I don't immediately wake from my slumber to open the door for His Majesty, he jumps up onto the sliding screen door, hanging on with his claws and climbing up and/or down, making the most hideous sound.  Yikes, that works too (except when I've clipped his nails, then I hear a very satisfying 'thunk' as he lands back on the floor...ha ha, one point to me!).  If I don't get up to let the dogs out the minute that they leave their beds, there is the rhythmic beat of their tails on the walls to wake me, and then the not so subtle doggy-breath face wash.  Yes, that gets me up too.

4.  How dare you make the bed without my assistance? 

Excuse me??  Are you making the bed?

As you have guessed, this is mostly Purrkins, who takes great delight in helping me out with any housework, but particularly bed making.  See below for the look on his face when he discovers that bed-making has occurred without his management.

5.  Your cuddles today have been a bit sparse. 

An upside down dog is a cute dog.

Yes, that worked well.

All of my pets like lots and lots of cuddles, except perhaps for Chamois, who is quite an independent dog.  If Manu has not been receiving as much attention as he thinks he needs (just a heads up, he never receives as much attention as he thinks he needs!), he will let you know that he is WAY too cute not to cuddle by laying upside down in a room.  It may not be the room that you are in at the time, but he knows that you will have to walk by him at some point.  Upside down bellies always get scratches eventually - you just have to lie there long enough.  Purrkins is much less subtle and will plonk himself onto your lap, no matter where you are or what your are doing or if you are allergic to cats (poor Shawn!).  That cat is a problem solver.



Chamois says she can do upside down too.

6.  Why is the chicken coop not open and our freedom granted?

The girls get louder and Harvey Henbanger crows louder and longer.  Eventually I cave in and they get to come out.  They cluck away and admonish me as they run up the yard, chasing bugs and tasty delights.

After much thought, Management has reviewed the complaints and would like to take a neutral stance.  While these may seem like big issues to the non-humans, Management believes that the complainees should go out into the real world and see how other cats/dogs/chickens live.  Management believes that the residents have a pretty good life and really don't want for much.  As they say, if that's all you have to complain about, life is pretty damn good.