Friday Follies - Well Excuse Me!

An accurate depiction

Flatulence.  A common 'butt' (excuse the pun) of juvenile jokes, and, I'm afraid, a constant source of entertainment for some.  If you smelt it you dealt it, and silent but deadly are standard phrases used in our childhood (and adulthood for some).
The subject of today's blog was inspired by my recent incidence at the vets with my dog, Chamois.  She's such a lady.  And loud, very loud.

Actor-dog portraying Chamois

We all do it, and some are prouder than others.  Animals don't have any of the inhibitions or hang ups that we do, and embrace their bodily function with aplomb.  I include men in the animals category in this case. 

The word fart was derived from an Old English word 'feortan' ('to break wind') and the word was used in 1632 and defined as 'to send forth wind from the anus'.  There is some knowledge you never knew you needed!  The ancient Japanese even used to hold contests to see who could fluff for the longest and the loudest, so not every culture thought this function as crude as we do today.

Don't do it....



If you do a Google search, you will discover that there are hundreds of website dedicated to interesting fart facts.  Clearly we have an obsession. 

Here are some interesting facts - some you may already know, some may be an interesting surprise to you (like a fart is sometimes!).

1.  You can produce enough farts every day to fill up a balloon, should you so wish.  There is actually a device called a rectal catheter for this exact purpose - to measure that an average person can pass one to four pints of gas in 13-21 farts per day.  Personally, I think my husband is a high achiever, and I'm sure he's proud of it.

2.  Only 1 percent of this amount of gas smells.  I would like to argue this particular fact based on my personal experience of living with two extra-large dogs and a husband, but some scientist spent time studying this, so I'll have to accept it.  Your particular emissions are like a fingerprint and composed of carbon dioxide, hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, and the much-maligned methane.  It's pretty common for us to believe that our flatulence is not as odoriferous as everyone else's, but that is only because we become habituated to our own personal perfume. The actual gas that makes the escaped wind smell is hydrogen sulphide.  Researchers have found that sniffing tiny amounts of this gas can reverse mitochondrial damage and help avert strokes, dementia, cancer and heart attacks.  I debated whether I should include this little tidbit or not, as I fear it will be used against me in the future.  If I live to 105 years old, you'll know what happened.

3.  Your fart can exit your body at 10 feet per second.  Yes, someone measured it and was lucky enough to put that in their job description.  I wish my internet was that fast.

Naughty little insects

4.  Termites are the biggest farters on Earth.  And you thought the cows were to blame....

5.  You can continue to fart and belch up to three hours after death and before rigor mortis sets in. 

Please don't try this at home.

6.  You can indeed light a fart on fire.  This fact has kept teenage boys in giggles for many, many years....and the results have entertained hundreds of front-line health care workers.



7.  You cannot hold a fart in until it disappears.  It never disappears, and will usually pop out to say hi at a most inconvenient and embarrassing moment.

And who can resist a funny alternative name for flatulence.  One of my personal favourites is one that was used by a family friend when I was growing up - putterputt.  I like it not only because the word has a kind of poetic rhythm, but sometimes they actually sound like that.  In our house it is also called a bottom-frog or a fluff. 

Who cut the cheese?

Here is a very short list of some of the good ones out there.  I actually hadn't heard of most of these, but quite frankly, I really like a lot of them.   I think it says something when there are more names for farts than there are for love....

30. Cutting the cheese

29. Roaring from the rear

28. Rebuilding the ozone layer

27. The lean mean bean machine

26. Sphincter siren

25. Thunder from down under

24. Fragrant foof

23. Doing the one-cheek sneak

22. Free jacuzzi

21. Nut knocker

20. Saluting my shorts

19. Ringing the Taco Bell

18. Floorboard lifter

17. Firing a stink torpedo

16. Mouse on a motorcycle

15. White Castle's revenge

14. Just calling your name

13. Passing the ass gas

12. Floating an air biscuit

11. Stomping on the barking spider

10. Fartrogen dioxide

9. The cry of the imprisoned turd

8. Pop a fluffy

7. Launching an air loaf

6. Horton hears a poo

5. Anal exhale

4. Vladimir Pootin'

3. Insane in the methane

2. Colon bowlin'

1. Blasting the butt tuba

(sourced from Buzzfeed)

So let them fly, ladies and gentlemen, dogs and cats. It's healthy, natural and good for you.  Just try not to do it next to me please.

I'd have to forgive this cat for making a smell, it's pretty cute.