Friday Follies - Who Are You?

Okay, we all know that how we perceive ourselves is completely different than how other see us.  I'm definitely not the Lone Ranger in this one.  I think many people would be surprised at how far apart others' perceptions of ourselves are from our own.  Sometimes I wonder if we would even recognise the person that other people see.

Yikes! Who IS that?

At a family lunch on the weekend, a off-the-cuff remark was made about me that took me completely by surprise.  I've never lacked in confidence??  You HAVE to be kidding me.  I have been fighting insecurity my whole life and, in my eyes, I'm completely insecure - never good enough, never thin enough, never smart enough, never motivated enough....you get the idea (never have enough cats....but maybe that's a different issue?).  Don't get me wrong - I'm not completely insecure and have come an awfully long way since my teen years, but it still lurks in the background.

I can't say that I'm upset that I'm seen as confident, pretty happy about it actually, but I really don't get it. 

As a child moving between countries, I was the chubby kid with the accent.  If that isn't a recipe for disaster, I don't know what is.  I think it did help me to develop a sense of humour though.  And, as a wise man often tells me  - it's character building.  To that I answer - I have enough f*&*ing character, thank you.  Inside, sometimes I still feel like the kid I was in Grade 6....ugggh.

Ugghhh.

As the older sibling, you would think that I had learned to do a lot of things for myself.  The entry of a baby brother into my life was a blessing at one stage, as I could get him to ask a question, buy something at the store, interact with an adult, etc so that I didn't have to. He did wise up eventually and stopped doing my bidding, but he's always had a better knack at being social than I have.

Ooo, maybe I could have a lion?!

This insecurity and fear of failure was probably the reason that I was often too scared to have a go at things I maybe would have excelled at.  I remember thinking in my late 20's that it was too late to study to be a vet, because I was so old, and 7 years of study would be so long.  Now, at 50, I think about what an idiot I was.  Oh well, we can't regret these choices.  I don't like living in the past, and our choices make us who we are today, and I'm pretty content at this stage of life.  Don't get me wrong - being a multi-millionaire would make me even more content and in a better position to have more cats!  There are still things that I wish I could do, but I am my own worst enemy.

I have tried to address this fear of failure by trying new things.  When I was single, I made a vow to myself to try at least one new thing a year.  It was pretty successful - I took cake decorating courses, started volunteering at a zoo, took bellydancing (and did it for many, many years) and learned to ride a motorbike with a friend (and ended up buying one because it was so much fun!).

So where does this perceived confidence come from?  The following comment was that I definitely have opinions.  Yes, I sure do.  But believe it or not, I keep an awful, awful lot of them to myself because I either hate confrontation or think the other person isn't worth me getting my knickers in a knot about.  The latter is usually the one that applies to the work place.  I find that a lot of people are not worth the energy it would take  (hmmm, are my anti-social tendencies showing?).  I am confident enough to know that everyone does not have to have the same opinions and ideas as me and that no one is necessarily right or wrong.


You would think at 50 that I would become more accepting of myself - my inadequacies and weaknesses as well as my strengths.  I always hear about how a lot women hit their stride at 50.  Some days I get it, some days I don't.  I'm guessing most feel the same as me, I just don't see it because we all wear a mask to hide our raw and honest feelings most days.

As the saying goes, I hope to be the person that my dog thinks I am (Manu, not Chamois - I think Chamois feels she is superior to all of us).  

Manu doesn't think I'm a bully or a nag like my husband does.  I prefer to call it facilitative behaviour modification technique, but tomayto, tomahto.  A rose by any other name....our perception is reality, but reality is not necessarily perception.  But as I get older, I hope that perception and reality are not so distant from each other.

Facilitative Behaviour Modification Technique