Friday Follies - Toilet Humour

What?

I don't know about you, but one of the fascinating things when you travel is the toilets.  As a child, it seemed like whenever we went away, my brother had to check out every single toilet.

I'm not that bad, but the more you travel, the more you realise that there are as many different types of toilets as hairs on your head (with the exception of the follicularly challenged, of course).

Whether you call it the toilet, the restroom, the washroom, the dunny, the loo, the sh**tter, the outhouse, the bogger, the crapper, the WC, the john, the latrine or the lavatory, seeing a man about a horse (where on earth did that one come from??) is a necessity of life. Doing so overseas (as you inevitably will have to) will cause everything from fits of giggles to gasps of horror.



Airport toilets are normally great - cleaned often and a lot of them have the motion sensor flush, that flushes as soon as you move or stand up (okay, that can cause a bit of a shock as you drift off in your jet-lagged, fugue state).  Some have pictorial directions about how to use the toilet - ie do not stand and squat.  Thanks, that hadn't actually crossed my mind.

No!

And no!

Toilets in Asia and some parts of Europe can be a challenge.  Their preferred method involves squatting over a hole (with helpful 'footprints' so that you know where to place yourself).  Not only that, many don't have toilet paper, but instead have either a shower-head type arrangement on a hose or a bucket with water and a ladle.  For those of us that are squat-challenged or have issues with doing your business 'au naturel' in the woods, these facilities can provide a challenge of the highest level.   In these situations - either travelling where there is no 'traditional' (traditional in the 'how I've lived my life' sense) toilet or where you have to use the bush toilet, I have a tendency to limit my fluid intake to limit my fluid output.  Not the healthiest option, but it works for me. 

Do you want a shower with that?

I happen to know from the constant rapturous ravings of a relative, that the Japanese toilets are the best thing since sliced bread.  I have yet to experience them, but apparently they play music if you have a shy bladder, play louder music if you have a larger 'job', wash, dry, perfume....they may even wash windows, I don't know.  I am a bit fascinated though, and hope one day to travel there and find out what all the fuss is about.

Oh, the choices!

On our recent holiday to Central America, we were told before hand that flushing toilet paper is not done, and the used paper is deposited in a bin beside the toilet (and emptied every day fortunately).  This has something to do with the size of the pipes used in the plumbing in most places and the septic systems inability to handle the extra load.  A lot of newer places do not have this issue, but we ran into it more often than not.  While confronting at first - if only because you had to make such a conscious effort to not drop the paper into the toilet - it was no big deal, and didn't smell, attract bugs, or any of the other things that immediately fill your head with horror when you hear about it.

Exclamation Point!

Some places that we stayed were equipped with a bidet - or a bum-washer to be more graphic.  Bidets are not something that you come across normally in our culture - it was a bit of a novelty.  However, we faced it with the adventure of travel and trying new things, and promised ourselves that we would give it a red-hot go and see what the fuss was about.

Red-hot go turned out to be exactly what my ever-suffering husband gave it, and I think he still has the scars to prove it.

My first use of the afore-mentioned bidet was approached with caution and respect.  This was a proper, separate bidet, with taps for hot and cold and a tap for the 'fountain' that did the necessary work.  I don't think fountain is the right word, but as we stood around it at first and tried all the taps just to see what it was about, that's what it looked like.

Welll, that's another use.

It turned out that caution was the correct path to take, and I found the whole experience to be hygienic and easy to use.  Of course, most of my clothing was removed for my first foray into this new territory, just in case..... things can go wrong, you know.  Thinking I had conquered a new skill, I announced to hubby that he should give it a go, in the true Aussie fashion.

Hmmm, I forgot who I was talking to.  While I was sitting out on the back balcony of our gorgeous room with volcano views, an almighty scream and shouted expletive assaulted my ears.  'He's slipped in the shower', I thought as I threw my book to the ground and raced inside.

The actual bidet.

I was greeted with the site of my all-or-nothing husband standing in front of the bidet, looking at it with a mix of consternation, fear and pain on his face.  As with all things, he has jumped in with both feet (not literally - we knew enough to know that it was not a foot bath) and not exercised the caution that should be exercised when attempting a new skill or activity.  The hot water and the 'fountain' taps were turned on to full in his quest for cleanliness.

Whoops!

You didn't, did you?

I'm not sure if the scars have healed yet, but he definitely got more than he bargained for. 

While he often knows no middle-ground, he does learn from his mistakes and did learn to turn taps on gradually and discovered that it did not need to be a scalding and invasive procedure.

So when you travel, enjoy all of the different foods, customs and cultures, and always keep an eye out for the facilities - there is sure to be something that makes you have a giggle.